iWant To Know
by White Firebird
Summary: I was going to hate tonight more than anything I have ever hated. No amount of ham or bacon or smoothies could prevent me from going into this evening with a fake smile and a scowl bubbling underneath the surface.


**AN: Hey everyone! I'm back, but not with the latest update in T & C. Nah, I decided to take a little break from that in order to write this little one-shot. I got the inspiration for it last night, after re-watching iSpeed Date, and well, here it is! It's basically my take on the events after that episode and the events leading up to and during the iCarly Awards. It's all through Sam's POV, in case you're wondering. Well...that's enough for now! Enjoy reading and reviewing! BTW, as for the iCarly Awards episode? It's made of win! Another awesome episode this week! And that is all.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly. Or the song used in this fic.**

I hate today.

I hate how it was all sunny and breezy earlier. I hate how the sky is looking picturesque. I hate how everyone around me is in such a good mood. I hate everything and anything about this day. But everything that I hated right now wouldn't compare to what tonight held in store for me. I was going to hate tonight more than anything I have ever hated. No amount of ham or bacon or smoothies could prevent me from going into this evening with a fake smile and a scowl bubbling underneath the surface.

Tonight is the first ever iCarly awards show. Carly and I got the idea to do this a while back, but what with everything from her fighting Shelby, to me going to the dentist, to helping Spencer out with all his sculptures and stuff, it got pushed back. We were supposed to do it last week, but of course, that whole stupid Girls Choice Dance occurred…and now the awards show is happening tonight. What's supposed to be a fun night for me, Carls, Freddie and Spencer is turning out to be a nightmare waiting to happen. That's why I'm so bitter towards everything today, more so than usual.

Carly's all giddy and acting like a five year old on a sugar high, running around, getting herself all dolled up and acting like this was the Oscars or something. Freddie's not being a dork today, which is surprising for him. He's preparing his tuxedo and polishing his shoes, cleaning his camera lens, whatever. And Spencer's acting like Christmas has come early for him. He's been building statuettes since last Sunday and he's still going today. The smile on his face hasn't left. He's so excited, it really is like watching a kid on Christmas opening his presents. And then there's me, little ol' Sam Puckett. I feel like I don't belong right now. I've been wearing this scowl all day, and snapping at the tiniest things. If it weren't for me promising Carly that I'd wear it, I'd of taken the dress she gave me for tonight and thrown it out. I really don't want to do this tonight, but I'm obligated to do so as the _'amusing little co-host'_. I don't want to be anywhere near Carly or Freddie tonight…and can you really blame me?

"Hey kiddo, what's the matter?"

I turn my head and my eyes fall on Spencer, who's just finishing up another statuette for tonight in the kitchen. Concern is dotted across his eyes, seemingly oblivious to his sister running around like a whirlwind as he nonchalantly cleans up his work area and grabs some more materials for the statuettes. Do I really want to talk to Spencer about what happened last week? Well, yeah, at least I'd be talking to someone. But can I really trust Spencer to stay quiet about it? That's what I'm more spooked about, that he'll tell Carly and Freddie…so in response to his question, all I do his shrug my shoulders and turn away, going back to the television. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him frown, setting his stuff down and…aw come on Spence, don't come over here, don't come over and he's over here. Great!

"You sure, Sam? Looks like something's bugging you."

"No, I'm good Spencer."

"Wait, you aren't sick, are you?"

"No Spence, I'm--"

"You didn't lick another swing set, did you??"

I sigh and roll my eyes. There'd really be no point in trying to talk to Spencer about what…this is, whatever it is I'm feeling. This weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Usually it's because I've eaten too much in a short amount of time or I feel sick, which never happens, but still. I love Spencer to death, he's like an older brother to me, but he's also probably the biggest (and I mean literally, the biggest) kid I've ever seen or met. I sometimes find it hard to believe that he's 27 and Carly's legal guardian. It's really nice of him to see if I'm doing alright, but he wouldn't understand. I don't think he'd even care, to be honest. He'd probably zone out halfway through me telling him and find something better to do with his time than listen to my sob stories. But then again, maybe I'm catching him at a time where his mind isn't occupied by making robots out of soda bottles and thinking of what random girl to make out with this week. Who knows? Maybe it's worth a shot. And I stress the word _maybe_ quite a bit.

"No Spencer, I didn't lick another swing set. I'm not sick, and I'm not depriving myself of ham again. It's something different than that…I don't really know how to describe it, so if you don't want to listen, then I understand."

He scratches his chin and ponders my words for a moment, looking up, wondering if what I've got to say is really worth his time. Shouldn't he be helping Carly and Freddie out before we start the show? _Ugh._ I told you I wasn't kidding when I said that I hated today.

"Nah, it's cool, Sammy. What's on your mind? I think that I'll be able to help ya out…as long as it doesn't involve you borrowing money or me frying Canadian bacon without a shirt on again."

A giggle escapes my lips. I can't help it, though. Even when he's not trying to, Spencer's always making me laugh with the stuff that he says or does. He's just such a funny person, and it's why he's so endearing. Sure, he's a bit (ok, _maybe_ more than a bit) of a klutz, and sure he can screw some stuff up unintentionally (hello failed world record), but he means well, and that's all that matters. So yeah, I guess it is worth a shot. Here goes nothing.

"Well…alright. It's really stupid, once you think about it, but it just…freaked me out, or whatever. I probably sound like I'm overreacting, but ugh…I told you this was really hard to explain, but--"

"You saw Freddie and Carly dancing inside of the Groovy Smoothie last week and got scared because you felt left out and it was something you thought you'd probably never see, huh."

My eyes grow wide. My jaw drops to the floor. I feel like I've just been punched in the stomach and had all the wind taken out of me, and I'm showing it. Spencer's got a smug little grin on his face that I'd knock off if it was on anyone else's face. He leans back on the couch and waits for me to say something. But how can I? He just figured out what's been bugging me for an entire week and he didn't even break a sweat or have to question me about it. Many thoughts begin to race through my head. How did he know? Why's he acting so sure of himself? Did Carly tell him? Did Freddie tell him? What's going on? Is this a joke to him? So many questions with so little answers. I can't believe he knows. I really can't.

"How…did you….what's…why…how?"

"Don't worry, Carly didn't tell me, which is surprising in of itself. Freddie didn't say a peep about it either."

"Then how…how did you find out if they didn't say anything?"

"I was walking up to Carly's room the day after, all I was doing was telling her that she had some mail to look at, when I heard her on the phone with who I assume was Freddie. She was acting all excited and happy about it, but then I guess she saw me out of the corner of her eye and told me to shoo and stop eavesdropping. That's how I know."

So she was talking about it to him…no. It can't be. _They_ can't be. There's no way that Carly finally gave in to Freddie's fawning and pawing over her. They **can't** be together. Is that why they've been acting super friendly towards each other this past week? I haven't seen them hold hands or kiss or anything…he _better not_ have kissed her. Maybe they're keeping it a secret from me until they feel they're ready to tell me about it. That hypocrite! She gets all mad when me and Freddie don't tell her about **OUR** kiss with each other, but now she feels the need to keep that dance with him a secret from me? And he feels the need to do the same!? That's so jank! How could they do that to me!?

Part of me wants to run right up to Carly's face and yell at her about this. Another part of me wants to grab Freddie and start beating the holy stuffing out of him until he tells the truth about it. But surprisingly, another part of me just wants to leave it be. I can't explain why this calmness coming over me wants to just let the two of them be happy with each other. _It was bound to happen_, the feeling says. _She was going to give in sooner or later_, it mutters. _He was never going to stop being in love with her_, it taunts. And maybe the feeling is right. Maybe I'm just bound to be the third wheel amongst us. Maybe Carly and Freddie really are going to be that sickeningly sweet fairy tale couple that you see in chick flicks. I didn't think it could ever happen, but then again, I didn't think that I'd be sharing my first kiss with the Dork Knight himself, either. I suddenly realize that I'm just sitting here like an idiot while Spencer's waiting for me to say something, so yeah, I best say something before he leaves.

"How did you know that was the thing that was bugging me then? Because the last time I checked Spence, you didn't know how to read minds."

"Oh, you know Sam…I know these things."

He says it with a grin, but I fix him a hardened glare and he immediately wilts underneath it. The deets are spilled shortly thereafter.

"Carly told me that you and Freddie kissed on the fire escape…"

"Oh…"

"And I kinda always knew that you liked him. I mean, I know you didn't exactly broadcast it for the world to see, but there were subtle ways of knowing. Body language, eye movement, nervousness, the way you always rip on him…you know, stuff like that."

Wow, Spencer must be like, an expert at this whole boy-likes-girl-girl-likes-boy-but-they're-both-too-shy-and-or-stubborn-to-admit-it-to-each-other-so-they-mask-it-by-hating-each-other thing. I almost feel ashamed that I've been giving away hints of my like for the little nub. Has Spence really been taking note of that for this long? And if he has, why the heck didn't he say anything to me about it beforehand? Well, I guess he just kinda wanted to stay out of it and let either one of us figure it out on our own. But wow. I have a whole new level of respect for Spencer right now. No wonder why I love the dude like a big brother.

"Did I really show it that much?"

"Well, it's not like you screamed it aloud. But I could tell. Like whenever you three would be down here and he'd say something funny, I would notice how you always giggled like an infant and twirled one of your curls around your finger before snapping out of it and going into beast mode. Or whenever he'd walk away or turn his head for a moment, I noticed that you'd kinda stare at him and then realize what you were doing before insulting him. Like I said, it's the little, subtle things that you notice. Believe me, I've seen him doing more than his fair share of stuff in regards to his secret liking of you."

"Really? What was he doing!?"

"Pretty much the same stuff. It's amazing what you see when you actually, you know, pay attention."

"Yeah…I guess you really do learn something new everyday, huh?"

The next thing I know, I'm feeling Spencer's arms wrapping around my body, and he's pulling me in closely and tightly for a hug. He's got one arm around my back and the other around my head, and my head is pressed against his chest. I told you that he was like an older brother to me. He gently begins to rub my back, moving his hand around in circles, before speaking again.

"It's gonna be alright, Sammy. I'm sure that you'll be able to work out your feelings for Freddo soon enough. Maybe you should talk to him and just straight up tell him how you feel. Then again, I'm not gonna make you do anything you don't want to do. I just wanna see you happy, that's all."

A tear begins to form in my eyelid. Again, I told you that I love this guy for being such an older brother, almost fatherly figure in my life. My arms wrap around him and I squeeze him tightly. Aw, we're sharing a moment. Ah, only Spencer could get me like this. Well, him and Carly too. Maybe Freddork on a good day as well.

"Thanks, Spence. That really means a lot. How can I ever thank you for this?"

"Don't even think about it. You're like a sister to Carly, so it's only right that I treat you like one too. You three are like family to me. I only want what's best for the three of you."

Right before I could respond though, Carly's voice could be heard ringing up from the studio all the way down here. Spencer released his hold on me and nudged me, motioning with his head to my outfit still zipped up in the protective covering. I smiled and nodded my head, and he proceeded to mess up my hair a bit before getting off the couch to finish up the last of the statuettes. Picking up my dress and the rest of my belongings, I walk to the bathroom to change, with one thought on my mind as I close the door with a click.

Maybe tonight won't be as bad as I thought it was going to be.

--------------------------

The show just started five minutes ago, and though I'm not one to brag (ok, I do, but that's my attempt at having a little humility), I look hot in this dress and these stockings and heels. Carly looks hot as well, and Freddie…I can't take my eyes off him. But he doesn't notice. He's staring at the two of us. At least, I'd like to think he's staring at us equally. My heart tells me that he's staring at me, but my mind tells me he's staring at Carly. He probably is…though I wish he wasn't.

_"And the award for best peanut shooter goes to…"_

Everything's been a bit of a blur so far. My focus keeps slipping from Freddie to Carly to the awards we're giving out. Every now and then Spencer will run up and deliver a statuette to Gibby, but that's all we see of him. I can't help but still think that Freddie's permanently got his gaze on Carly tonight. I mean, don't get me wrong, she looks fantabulous in that pink dress. But I just wish he'd look my way…even just once…if only for a second or two.

We've just presented another award. Apparently, Spencer lost the award, found it at the last second, and ran in, yelled out Gibby's name and chucked it into the room. The award nailed Gibby right in the head, and Spencer got the heck outta dodge after that. It was a hilarious moment and I made Freddie play it over and over, only so he'd glance in my direction. And he did. For about a second. Before he did what I told him to do. Ugh! Maybe I shouldn't of done this. Maybe I should of just told Spencer to make up an excuse for me (ironically, he can make up great excuses for stuff, but he can't lie?) so I could go home and mope.

_"And the award for best hula hooping boy goes to…"_

Oh look, another award. Another instance of Freddie's eyes being glued to Carly. Another instance of me feeling like the damn third wheel. And now there's a funky feeling in the pit of my stomach. Probably has something to do with the five Mocha Cola's I drank on the way to Carly's earlier. Yeaaah, Mama needs to go to the bathroom and pee. And so I'm off to go do my business while Freddie takes over for me, Gibby handling the camera. This is a convenient little distraction though, a good one. I can go pee, Freddie and Carly can play kissy kiss with each other, and I can ignore it and collect my feelings before going back out there. As I exit, I feel refreshed and ready to finish the rest of the show.

But then I see it.

I see Carly and Freddie holding hands. He's looking into her eyes all lovingly, and she's giggling madly. That was the final straw. I knew right then and there that those two were a couple. They were dating. They did keep it a secret from me. I can't take this anymore. I feel my stomach twist up into knots, and I just want to crumble to the ground and stay there. I feel tears beginning to sting my eyes again, and I know, right at that moment, that I couldn't be there anymore. I had to get out. I had to let my tears fall freely without Carly, Freddie, Gibby or Spencer seeing them. So I ran. At least, I ran as fast as my heels could allow me to. I made a bit of a scene, but what do I care? My heart's just been smashed into a zillion pieces, and my two best friends don't even care.

Reaching the final step of the first floor of the apartment, my eyes meet with Spencer for a brief moment. He looks more concerned than before, probably because of the tears in my eyes now. He goes to move in my direction, but I extend my hand out and stop him, shaking my head, telling him with my movements not to come any closer. I want to speak but I can't get the words out of my throat. Finally, after a little internal struggle, I can barely choke out what I want to say.

"I'm sorry Spence…but I've…I've got to…go…bye."

I've already got my purse and my jacket in arm, and before Spencer can protest, I'm out the door, down the steps and on my way to a place where nobody can find me. You'd think that I'd go to the fire escape, right? Normally, I would. But I don't want Carly, Spencer or Freddie finding me. Especially Freddie. And I know that's the first place he'd look. So I run. And run. And run. Finally, I've reached my destination; the park. I figure that it's big enough, they won't find me here in the darkness. I feel the mascara running down my cheeks, my makeup being all watered down now. My hair's probably a hot mess, and not in a good way. Sitting by the fountain, using my jacket as a seat of sorts so that I don't scuff up the bottom of the dress and grabbing my Pear Pod, I plug in my headphones and let the music take me away. At least, until I come across one of those cliché songs. You know, when you're broken hearted over a boy, and then a love song comes on. Those kinds of cliché songs. Damn you, Paramore…

_"I am finding out that maybe I was wrong, that maybe I've fallen down and can't do this alone._

_Stay with me, this is what I need, please?_

_Sing us a song, and we'll sing it back to you._

_We could sing our own but what would it be without you?"_

More tears down my cheeks. I'm remembering a time when me and Carly began to sing a song on iCarly, and it was so fun and terrible. I noticed Freddie looking a little left out, so I told him to put the camera down and join in with us. I hate these stupid little ironies. I really do.

_"I am nothing now, and it's been so long. Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope._

_This time I will be listening._

_Sing us a song, and we'll sing it back to you._

_We could sing our own but what would it be without you?"_

Hayley Williams…she's got such a beautiful voice, but right now, I want to drown it out with my sobs…yet I can't stop listening to the song. It's one of my favorites by them, titled 'My Heart'. Did I tell you that I hate these little ironies?

_"This heart, it beats, beats for only you._

_This heart, it beats, beats for only you."_

And it's true. Freddie, you dork, nub, loser, nerd…my heart is yours. Why haven't you figured it out yet? Ever since our kiss, I've felt this way…I've been hiding my feelings about you for years, but it took our first kiss together to realize them…you're not supposed to like Carly, you goof. I love the girl to death, but she's not your type. I am. We're complete opposites…and opposites attract. You're the genius…why can't you crack that code and be with me?

_"This heart, it beats, beats for only you._

_My heart is yours._

_This heart, it beats, beats for only you (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)_

_My heart is yours_

_My heart is…"_

All I want to do is just cry and be left alone. But then I feel a presence sit down next to me. I'm hoping it's just some hobo that's gotten lost. But the finger gently lifting me up by my chin to look into their eyes tells me differently. It's Freddie. Of course. Am I happy that he found me here? Shoosh yeah! Do I want to convey that happiness out right now? Nope!

"What do you want, Benson."

"Why are you out here by yourself in the middle of the night."

"Why do you care? Shouldn't you be finishing the awards show with Carly?"

"We stopped the show once we saw you run out. Spencer said you left in a hurry with tears in your eyes. What's the matter?"

"Haven't been feeling good lately. Got a real bad stomach cramp. S'all."

I can tell that he doesn't believe that load of malarkey for one second. He's giving me a knowing look, but I ignore it. Why does he suddenly give a crap about me and my feelings? He didn't seem to do so when he was acting all Ken-ish with Carly. They were holding hands on the air, for Pete's sake! I caught them dancing in the Groovy Smoothie last week! Stop caring about me, Benson, and care about your perfect girl!

"Sam, that's a lie, you and I both know it. Why are you out here, and why are you crying."

"You wouldn't understand or care."

"Sam, stop being difficult, alright? Carly and Spencer are really worried about you, and so am I. So please, tell me what's wrong! I can help you!"

"No, you can't. I'm not being difficult. I'm fine. Happy now?"

I'm purposely pushing his buttons to get him to leave. I can't expose my feelings for him now, now when he's with my best friend. He's gotten the girl of his dreams, why should he care about me so much? I hate him, he hates me, it's that simple. I guess my last comments drove him over the thin line, because he's looking pissed and standing up to leave.

"Ugh! Fine, Puckett, be like that! I look for you like a madman and you just act like a little brat!? Fine! I don't care! I'll see you around when you stop being a little--"

"I'M LIKE THIS BECAUSE I LIKE YOU, FREDDIE! THERE, I SAID IT! ARE YOU REALLY HAPPY NOW?!?"

He stops dead in his tracks and, slowly, turns to face me. But instead of the disgusted or appalled look I'm expecting, his face is blank. Emotionless. Expressionless. Just…empty. He takes a few steps back over towards me, and then kneels down in front of me. But I'm not looking at him. I can't. Not after spilling my figurative guts out to him. I wish he'd just leave. I really do. I need to be left alone after that. I'm Sam Puckett, for god's sake! I don't express my feelings for a boy like that!

"Sam?"

I look up, barely, to meet his eyes. They're still unreadable.

"Yes?"

"I want to know...do you mean it?"

All I can do is nod my head in response. I've lost the ability to speak coherently, it seems. He looks away for a moment, contemplating what to do, I imagine. Then he faces me again, and then…he smiles. He lifts my head up by my chin with his finger again. He's staring into my eyes, those chocolate brown orbs melting my insides like butter. We both say nothing, but we don't need to. Then he says something which I barely pick up.

"Good to know."

He presses his lips against mine gently, and my whole world explodes. It's like our first kiss on the fire escape, but this time instead of a spark, the entire 4th of July fireworks parade is going off right now. I want this moment to last forever, but the need for air takes over after about a minute and a half of us playing tonsil hockey. He removes himself, and we're both breathing heavily. A very small grin begins tugging at my lips, while Freddie's not even bothering to hide it. But then the realization that I just kissed my best friend's boyfriend sinks in, and I begin to panic. Freddie, however, laughs. Why? What's the deal here? Why the heck is he laughing!?

"I know what you're thinking, Sam, and it's alright. You don't need to freak out."

"What…? But I saw…you and Carly…"

"I know you saw us dancing last week in the Groovy Smoothie. I just didn't say anything because I didn't know how you'd react…I didn't want to upset or anger you. I thought Carly would've said something, but I guess she felt the same way."

He admits this sheepishly, and his face reddens a little bit at his coming out. But then…wait…

"Then what was with you holding hands and her being all giggly and whatever. What was the deal with that?"

"We just finished showing a video of us all acting like dummies. We were bowing and acting like those losers on real awards shows. It was nothing, just like the dance. Me and Carly only danced with each other because her date was a total jerk and well…I was stuck with Malika. It was purely platonic."

"Then if…Malika was such a freak…how come you…?"

"I…was going to try and convince _you_ to ask me. But I thought you'd of broken my arm or laughed at me and insulted me for doing so. So I decided against it and agreed to go with Malika instead. Besides, I figured Gibby would've come around and gone with you…but then we didn't see you at the dance…and our dates weren't fun…so yeah."

Suddenly, it all makes sense. Everything makes perfect sense. I feel like such an idiot for thinking that those two were dating. All of it rushes to my head at once, but before I can say anything, Freddie hushes me with a finger on my lips.

"You don't need to apologize or say anything, Sam. I understand. Just know that I'm here for you all the time. So is Carly and Spencer. You know this. I'm sorry for not telling you about last week. I should have but I didn't, and I feel like a jerk for that."

"No…I'm sorry, Freddie…I never should of overreacted like that…made a scene…jumped to conclusions…gosh, I feel like the biggest moron ever…I'm so sorry…"

"Make it up to me, then."

I raise my eyebrows and give him a weird look. He smiles and arches an eyebrow of his own. Then I know what he means. I lean forward, and again, our lips meet in a gentle show of passion for one another. God, he's such an amazing kisser.

We don't say anything after we're done. He offers me his arm, and I happily take it. I assume we're going back to tell Carly and Spencer that we're alright and that we're…well, we're together. I hate the term 'boyfriend and girlfriend', but…we're together. And as we walk back and laugh, and joke, and enjoy the night, I can hear Hayley Williams' lyrics softly playing through my head again. And it's true.

My heart is yours.

**AN: That's it! I know it's OOC of Sam to act like this, but I hope you can all look past that and see that it made sense for the story. And the same applies to Spencer, but I dunno, I feel like I can see Spencer being serious and telling Sam that kind of stuff about her, Freddie and Carly being like a family to him, etc. Other than that, I hope you all enjoyed it, and for those of you following T & C, it shall be updated soon! Thanks! Read and review, and I'll be your best buddy. =)**


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